Jaci

I think my cold in finally going away. Only sneezed a couple times today and could actually breath through my nose!

My daughter had a dance competition today. She got a High Gold. Yeah Girlie!

So of course we ate out twice. Needles to say I had some not very diety foods.  I will repeat what I have said before. I am not on a diet. I am on a mission to change my life style, my eating habits my thoughts about food.  The only choice for lunch at the dance comp. was Arby’s so I had the roast beef.  By the time we were on our way home it was dinner time.  My son wanted to go to this buffet place he likes.  He had  spent all day bored to death at the comp. so we said ok.  I did go a little over board there.  I don’t really feel guilty about it though.  I do wish I hadn’t eaten so much bread but I LOVE bread and it was wonderful.  AND I guess I shouldn’t have eaten the carrot cake. I’m still a work in progress. To be honest I will sometimes eat those things.  I have done this sort of thing a couple of times since joining Buddy Slim.  I have made so much progress in my thinking that I can’t feel bad because I sometimes go out.  I just can’t even express how much free-er (how do you spell that??) I feel.  I can now go out and eat and then leave the resturant and be right back watching what I eat. Before, I would have given up as soon as my husband came back at lunch with the fries.  I would have eaten all the fries instead of just a few. Then since I had  already messed up I would have gone back and gotten a chocolate muffin. Who knows what I would have eaten at the buffet. And now I would be playing on the computer eating something terrible for me.  I would have had a lot of junk to pick from because we stopped by the grocery store on the way home.  I would have filled my cart with goodies.  Since I had already blown it why not get what I wanted.  Of course since I would have gotten several different things tomorrow would have been blown too. My “thinking” was worse than my “eating”.  I just can’t even express how different my thinking is now.  The fact that I was able to splurge but keep it just at dinner and not let it turn into a whole week-end makes me very happy. 

Doing it this way will take me a little longer to lose the weight I want to.  I think that it will be worth it in the long run.  Thru  the years I have tried every diet out there. Some of them even worked. The problem was that they didn’t fix my “thinking”.  It wouldn’t take to long before I was right back where I started.  I want to see what kind of fathers my boys become.  I want to watch my 10 yr old dancer walk down the isle. I want to have a 50th anniversary party. None of those will happen if I can’t change the way I think of food. 

I don’t mean to sound maudlin. I’m not at all.  Fact, my father died at 51 from a heart attack. Fact, I am already taking meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a few other things. Fact, my chances of being here to hold my first grandchild depends on my “thinking”.

Didn’t mean for this to turn into a book. I really just wanted to say that I think I am finally on the right track.  My thought process is changing.

I have had this cold for a week.  I am so tired of feeling tired.  My head hurts all the time.  The only time I stop sneezing is when i’m coughing.  AND it’s been raining here just about everyday for days and days. 

I can NOT get motivated to exercise.  I was able to get my walk in monday but not last night. It’s not looking good for tonight either but maybe the rain will stop at some point for a few minutes.  Walking seems to be the only thing I can do.  So when it rains I got nothin’.  I tried to do sit ups and jumping jacks last week.   Everytime I jumped and everytime I sat up I peep my pants! needless to say I didn’t do many of those. It would be funny if it weren’t so damned depressing.  I can’t do any kind of lunges or anything that envolves a lot of knee bending with out a lot of pain.   I need to find something but i’m not sure what. 

Today I really feel old.  I know to a lot of you reading this I am old.  But the funny thing is that when your in your twenties you think that some how you’ll feel different when you get in your forties.  Smarter or wiser or at least more confident or something.  Well i’m going to be 47 in August and I don’t feel any of those things.

My head hurts to much to go on with this pitty party.  I really started this blog to talk about my daughter. She was in a talent show at school last night.  It was for the 3rd, 4th and 5th grade kids.  She won 1st place. Yea Girlie!

This whole blog as gotten very disjointed so I think i’d better stop. : )

Had a very bad “diet” week-end.  Friday night was Bunko, Saturday we out for my daughters birthday and Sunday she had a dance compitition so ended up eating out after that too.  We don’t normally eat out that much in a single week-end it just happened that way.  I don’t think I really ate a lot of calories but certainly  a lot of them were not the best choice of calories.  I did eat more calories than nessessary.  It is so easy to slip back into old habits.  When i’m eating it,  I can justify it easily.  Now however it’s like “what was I thinking??”  I have really been thinking about how i’m feeling now that it’s over.  I mean really deep down past the “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” part.  Even though I failed with the diet I didn’t fail me.  Does that make sense? I mean I learned something from the experience so that isn’t a failure is it? I feel better equipped to deal with it if the situation comes up again. 

My big accomplishment for this week-end.  Always before if I were on a diet I would give myself Bunko off.  So I could eat what I wanted at bunko.  The main problem with that was that I knew before hand that I was not going to stick by my diet that night so I would eat junk all day.  My thinking was if i’m going to blow it I might as well eat everything I want all day.   I was sitting at bunko and it occured to me that I had not done that this time.  I never even considered eating “bad” stuff during the day on friday.  Not once did I say to myself  “go ahead and eat it you have today off”.  Saturday and Sunday too.  I did go out to eat and certainly ate things I shouldn’t have.  But not once did I even think about bingeing before or after the meal itself.  HUGE for me that this was not even a conscious effert. That was my success this week-end.  I failed with the eating but I gained the knowledge that I can have a meal and stay on track the rest of the day.