Jaci

Had a very bad “diet” week-end.  Friday night was Bunko, Saturday we out for my daughters birthday and Sunday she had a dance compitition so ended up eating out after that too.  We don’t normally eat out that much in a single week-end it just happened that way.  I don’t think I really ate a lot of calories but certainly  a lot of them were not the best choice of calories.  I did eat more calories than nessessary.  It is so easy to slip back into old habits.  When i’m eating it,  I can justify it easily.  Now however it’s like “what was I thinking??”  I have really been thinking about how i’m feeling now that it’s over.  I mean really deep down past the “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” part.  Even though I failed with the diet I didn’t fail me.  Does that make sense? I mean I learned something from the experience so that isn’t a failure is it? I feel better equipped to deal with it if the situation comes up again. 

My big accomplishment for this week-end.  Always before if I were on a diet I would give myself Bunko off.  So I could eat what I wanted at bunko.  The main problem with that was that I knew before hand that I was not going to stick by my diet that night so I would eat junk all day.  My thinking was if i’m going to blow it I might as well eat everything I want all day.   I was sitting at bunko and it occured to me that I had not done that this time.  I never even considered eating “bad” stuff during the day on friday.  Not once did I say to myself  “go ahead and eat it you have today off”.  Saturday and Sunday too.  I did go out to eat and certainly ate things I shouldn’t have.  But not once did I even think about bingeing before or after the meal itself.  HUGE for me that this was not even a conscious effert. That was my success this week-end.  I failed with the eating but I gained the knowledge that I can have a meal and stay on track the rest of the day.

I’ve read a few bogs recently about people and their children. People who worry about their children or regret things from the past. I understand this feeling very well. I grew up with out a mother. I won’t get into the reasons now although I’m sure I’ll blog about it at some point. I have always worried about how to be a mom. I don’t know really what moms are suppose to do. How am I suppose to act? When do you let go and when do you hold them tighter?

We have 4 children Nick is 26, Andrew 23, Alexander 12 and Katie will be 10 next week. Notice the gap between Drew and Alex. We were the “young” parents at school night with the first two and now we are the “Old” parents with the last two. We learned a lot with the first two.

Our values are the same but our parenting tactics have changed.

I often thank that I have really done a disservice to my older boys. Maybe their life would be better if I’d done things differently.

When I am troubled about stuff I write. Some things are good some are not. This is what I wrote about, and for, my children.

(sorry I don’t know how to get the extra spaces out)

What Will They Each Remember

When my children have grown up,

After all my little boys are men,

What will they each remember,

Of the life we made for them?

When my daughter has a family,

What sort of mother will she be?

What will she most remember,

Of the days she spent with me?

Do I always do my best?

Am I filling all their needs?

When they think back to yesterdays,

What will their heart believe?

Have I given them the strength they need,

Made their world a better place,

Do I Show them that I love them,

Will they forgive me my mistakes?

I’m sure that we are doing,

All the things they say we should.

But what will each remember,

Are we doing all that we could?

Will their mem’ries brings them smiles?

Will they every now and then,

Start a favorite story with:

“Do you remember when?

Of all the things I’ll remember,

The one thing that I wish,

Is that I’d always have the power,

To fix their world with just a kiss.

So much to say where do I start?

Frist of all YEAH ME I lost 2.5 pounds this week. I was really surprised because just the other day I had gained 1/2 pound. I give all the credit to Rebecca who helped me more than she could imagine. I guess I will also give a tiny bit of credit to the water. Which of course I also thank Rebecca for. Since we had a challenge going to drink our water every day I was determined to drink it just so I could say that I had.

I have been thinking about the whole diet thing. How it’s not a diet but a life style change. I have to learn to eat in the “real world” It is unrealistic of me to think that I will never again have a piece of cake or chips and dip. So having said that,  yesturday was a work day for us. My husband and daughter worked outside and I worked inside. My son ran off with a friend and went swimming and had a sleep over. (The other little boy is fairly new to our area and doesn’t know a lot of people. I would have felt bad saying no they haven’t had a sleep over before.) Last night I went to our school to walk the track but found people there hitting golf balls. Decided to park at school and walk a nearby sub division. I don’t really know this sub-division I just started walking it. There were a lot of hills..yikes where I usually walk only has a few hills. My daughter (who has been working hard all day and doesn’t hardly ever get to have sleep overs) has been wanting Chinese food for the last week. When I get home from my walk my husband wants to reward Katie and get some Chinese. So I’m sitting there trying to figure out what to do. I REALLY want Chinese but I’m pretty sure that it’s not very “diet”. I started thinking again about the diet vs life style change. Am I prepared to never again eat Chinese? No. I decided that to succeed in a life style change the key was portion size. I got Chinese. I ate Sweet and sour pork and lo mein. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty because I ate small portions. Not even close to the amount I would have eaten before. (my daughter is eating my left overs now for lunch) I consider this a success. I chose non-diet foods but I think I ate responsibly. A little bit of each of the things I wanted but not a lot of any of them. I felt completely satisfied and did not feel at all like I had to sacrifice. I know that most days I will have to eat more diety but I refuse to feel like I failed because I had dinner out with my family.

I woke up this morning and my husband had made biscuits. I love bread of any kind and biscuits with butter and jelly? oohh YUMMERS. I saw the biscuits on my way to the frig to get my water. I grabbed my water and thought “Wow biscuits”.  Heres the thing…I walked right out of the kitchen with my water and never even considered eating one. There are still a few left but I have no desire to eat one. It some how feels very different eating a biscuit this morning than the Chinese last night.

Diet Pepsi update. I have not had a drop of DP since Thursday. I know its only been a few days but for me it has been a real mile stone.

Water question. I have been drinking water like crazy. My question is I have started putting those little flavored packets in some of my water is that okay? I only use the no sugar ones. I did get a crystal lite energy one that has a small amount of caffeine in it. I only let myself drink one of those a day just trying to ease the head aches a little. When I drink a bottle of the flavored water does it still count has 16 oz of water?

To sum up all this jibberish. This week…

1. I have completely stopped drinking Diet Pepsi.

2. I have started drinking at least 100 oz of water a day.

3. I have learned a lesson in portions control and what I call real life eating.

4. I have discovered that the sub-division by school has a lot of hills.

I would like to say thanks to all of you and to Rebecca for helping me learn some very important things this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I might really be able to beat my dragons. Who would have guessed that Chinese food and biscuits would be the catalyst I needed to move forward.

I woke up this morning with the migraine from #@&&. I often get these but todays was a killer. I tried to drink my water, I really did. But I was so nauseous that even taking a drink of water was more than I could handle. So of course now I’m really behind and will be up all night getting it in. Even though I regularly suffer from migraine I blame this on the water. I really think part of it was not having my Diet Pepsi. I’m sure I’m addicted to the caffeine. If I had been able to bend down and put my shoes on and keep my eyes open long enough I swear I would have gone to the gas station for a DP. I finally gave up trying to do anything on the computer the light was killing me and laid down. Yeah for wonder drugs my meds finally kicked in and was feeling better this afternoon.

Took my 6th grade son to his first Semi-Formal school dance tonight. He had a good time. The thing that surprised me was the little girls. I mean this was a 6th grade dance. Those girls was dressed for a senior prom! Long dresses. high heal shoes..hair and make up to die for. Padded push up bras??? Seriously does a 12-13 yr old girl need that? It was disturbing on so many levels.

Crossing my fingers for weigh in tomorrow.

I don’t smoke.  I don’t do drugs.  I very seldom even take a drink.  I do however have an addiction.  My heroin of choice is Diet Pepsi.  I live on DP.  I get up in the mornings and first thing I do is fix a soda.  I carry that soda with me all day,  every day.  I’m as much an addict as any chain smoking drug dealer.  I have told myself for years that it is “diet” so it’s ok.  I have justified my “drinking” time and time again.  That what we addicts do..we justify.  This week I have started a challenge with my buddy Rebecca.  Drink all our water every day.  I don’t do “water” I don’t like water.  I don’t drink water  “Ever”.  Not a drop.  Not a sip.  I have discovered that I am very competitive.  So I couldn’t tell Rebecca that I didn’t drink my water.  I grew up hearing your suppose to drink 8-8oz glasses of water a day.  I decided to look it up just to be sure.  I mean I certainly didn’t want to drink more water than it said I had to.  So it turns out that your supposed to drink a 1/2 oz for  ever pound of your weight.  I’m 200 pounds.  That’s 100 oz of water a day.  A lot more than the 64 oz I originally thought.  What a bummer.  That’s what I get for trying to cheat.  I have been drinking my water.  Every drop, every day.  I have almost stopped drinking DP all together.  In fact I have ran out of DP and I did not stop on my way home tonight and get more.  THAT took some major will power.  I have even been walking.  Eating fairly well.  So I guess your wondering what this rant is all about?  I’ll tell you..I weighed myself this morning and I have GAINED 1/2 pound.  I blame the water.  My Diet Pepsi would never betray me like this.

The last couple days have been really busy so I haven’t been able to spend any time here.  And boy did I need to be here.  Was at a Birthday party Friday night so of course it was a party night.  We had company over Saturday Night so of course it was a party night.   had a Wedding shower tonight so of course another party. YIKES I have only been here a week I was not near ready for all this pressure.  ( one week anniversary tonight of Buddy Slim) I did not do well….I did not do really bad but could have done much better.   Friday night and  Saturday were both pizza party’s.  Friday my girlfriend got me a chicken wrap so that should have been at least a little better than pizza.    I was sitting there and was handed a piece of ice cream cake.  I was seriously eating the last bite when it registered what I was doing.  Saturday night was my “bad” night.  I did eat pizza and a brownie but only a few chips.

Tomorrow is a new day…I will do better.  I always feel better when I come here and “confess”.  I think I’ll go read a few other blogs that helps to.  Wonder what Sam is up to today?  I’ll go read him he always make me feel better. Sorry Sam I think I’m turning into a stalker.

I had to send my first week weight lost to kim.  Up a pound. What a bummer.  I do have to say it was not a huge surprise.  I found this site monday night and joined on a whim.  I think I was not really in the right mind set to jump into it whole heartedly.  I know for a fact that I did not eat some things I normally would have ( Grandma Cookies ) if I had not found this site.  So even though I didn’t do well I did do better.  That will have to be enough for this first few days.

I am an emotional eater.  Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to matter which emotion i’m having any of them will do.  Food will fix anything for about as long as it takes me to eat it.  Then of course I have the guilt and depression that i’m sure most of you are familiar with.  We all have our personal dragons so I won’t bore you with details of my less than ideal childhood.  AND I am not using it as any kind of excuse.  BUT it has caused issues that has made it difficult for me to take charge of my emotions.  Bottom line is that I chose my actions this week and because of those choices I gained a pound.

NOTE TO SELF…..I WILL DO BETTER NEXT WEEK.

While my daughter was at dance last night I went across the street to a subdivision and walked a little over 2 miles.  Felt really good about it.  Really proud of myself for doing it by myself not because my friends where guilting me into it.  So I get back to dance and not 5 minutes later one of the owners shows up.  She has decided the dance studio needs to sell snacks!! So there I was helping her bring in all this stuff.  Grandma Cookies… Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers.. Grandma Cookies.. Beef Sticks… Fruit snacks… Grandma  Cookies… Popcorn.. AND did I mention Grandma Cookies???  More things I tried not to look at.  Really I was just grabbing what ever boxes and bags I could find and looking straight ahead.  Of course my traitorous eyes had already zeroed in on the Grandma Cookies.  I still had another 3 hours left at the studio.  UGHHH what a long 3 hours it was.  I spent the whole time telling myself I did NOT need a snack.  Lucky me I get to go back to the studio tonight.

Tomorrow night I have to go with my friend.  Her daughter is having a birthday party.  So I get to go the the pizza place and the carnival..Saturday we are having company coming for pizza supper and game night.  Which of course will turn into a SNACK and game night.

Diet Gods are alive and well and have a evil sense of humor.  In fact I am pretty sure they are the inventors of Grandma Cookies.

Wow..
I’m just so over whelmed I don’t know where to start.  I never expected to get so much support so fast.  Less than 24 hours and I’ve already made lots of new friends.  I look forward to getting to know you all.

I haven’t told my anyone about this site yet.  I think I’m going to keep it just for me for a few days.   I’m not sure why that seems important to me right now but for some reason it does.  On Saturday we have another couple coming over I might share with her.  She might like to take advantage of all the support I’ve found here.

I think I may have figured out the secret of this site.  It keeps me so busy going back and forth between my mail box and the forum and trying to respond to everyone that I don’t have time to eat.